Nonpareil
by Demosthenes120
Summary: "I can't believe I'm doing this..." A collection of short, weird, hopefully funny Bade oneshots I thought of off the top of my head.
1. Nonpareil

**This is my procrastination attempt; I really don't want to finish reading **_**Ender's Game**_** right now. So I created this account and wrote a totally pointless Bade oneshot.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Victorious, Ender's Game, or My Little Pony. Or any of the other fandoms I might mention in this fanfic.**

"Jade?"

"What?"

"What does _nonpareil _mean?"

Jade looked up from her book. "What?"

"Nonpareil. What does it mean?"

Jade shrugged. "How should I know?" She turned her focus back to her book until Beck opened his mouth again.

"How do you spell nonpareil?"

"Uhg, I don't know. Who cares!?"

"Me."

"Why?"

"I'm trying to look it up. Is it N-O-N-P-A-R-A-E?"

"Why do you care what nonpareil means?"

"Because," Beck said, attempting to type '_nonparee'_ into Google on his laptop, "It was in this song I'm listening to."

"What song?"

Beck glanced away. "I thought you didn't care…"

Jade shrugged. "It's more amusing than _Ender's Game_." To prove it, she shut the book and walked over to the table where Beck was looking up nonpareil on his laptop.

"_Ender's Game_ is a good book," Beck protested.

"I hate sci-fi. Except the buggers. They're cool."

"They're trying to take over Earth," Beck said pointedly.

"Exactly. But what about this nonpareil thing? And why don't you want me to know what song it's in?"

Beck shrugged. "It's nothing. Never mind. Forget it."

"What are you hiding from me?" Jade snapped. "Are you talking to a girl on there?! Did _she _say the word nonpareil?!"

"No! It's just—"

"So you're breaking up with me?!"

"_Jade_!"

"What?!"

"Do you want to know the truth?"

"Yes."

"Really?"

"_Yes._" Jade's voice had gotten deadly low; she was clearly fed up with Beck and his '_nonpareil'_ secret.

"Fine." Beck turned his laptop around so Jade could see it, revealing two ridiculously dressed unicorns dancing across the screen, singing about apple cider.

"What the—" Jade started. "What on earth is that!?"

"My Little Pony."

"Friendship is Magic?" Jade spat in disgust.

Beck chuckled. "I never thought I'd hear you say those words."

Jade scowled. "That's a stupid show."

"Have you ever watched it?"

"No. Gross."

"It's a wonderful show."

"If by 'wonderful', you mean nauseating, then yes. It is wonderful. Really, really, truly wonderful."

Beck grinned. "It's _magical._"

"I'm gonna puke," Jade groaned.

Beck rolled his eyes. "You should watch it. I think you would like it."

"You honestly think I would like a show called _Friendship is Magic!?_" Jade spat.

"Everyone loves it."

"Not me."

"Yes, you! You'd love it! You're a Pegasister waiting to happen!"

"A _what!?_"

"Pegasister. A female lover of My Little Ponies."

"Oh, God. You even know the pony _slang._"

Beck nodded proudly.

"If I watch one stupid episode, will you quit talking about cartoon horses for two year olds?"

"Yes."

Jade groaned. "I can't believe I'm doing this," she said as she pressed play.

**I think we can all agree that that was two and a half pages of pointless Bade dialogue crap. But it kept me from finishing **_**Ender's Game,**_** and I love Bade, so I'm gonna post it anyway.**

**PS, I think you should know that I was listening to MLP:FiM songs while writing this.**


	2. The List

**Second chapter! Sorry if you didn't understand the last one. :P You might have to see that MLP episode to understand the whole "nonpareil" thing.**

_I bought my girlfriend flowers. Forgot she hates flowers. Starting a list of all her "dislikes." It's LOOOONG already._

Beck reached up and knocked on the door of his girlfriend's house. He was well-dressed, well-groomed, smelled like an assortment of fancy soaps, and he had even spent twenty dollars on a nice bouquet of flowers.

Jade swung open the door, looking much less optimistic than Beck. "Come on, let's go." She started to push past him, but he stopped her.

"Wait."

"What?"

Beaming proudly, Beck pulled the expensive flowers out from behind his back. "For you!"

To his surprise, Jade scowled, disgusted.

"What?" Beck was highly disappointed. "What's wrong?"

"Are you kidding?"

"… I don't think so…."

Jade wrinkled her nose. "I _hate _flowers."

"Oh…" Beck said sadly. "I forgot."

"How could you forget? They're, like, at the top of my 'dislikes' list."

"Sorry!" Beck whimpered. "I just…" His voice trailed off.

"Well don't _cry _about it." Jade sounded even more disgusted than when he had presented her with the flowers. "I can still use them." She grabbed them from Beck's hand and set them inside. "Come on."

She grabbed his hand and walked with him into the car.

"What will you use them for?"

"Chopping."

"What?"

"With scissors. I'll chop them up with my scissors."

Beck frowned. "That's kind of cruel."

"Yep."

"… So what do you want to do for dinner."

"Hmmm…" For the first time in a while, Jade didn't actually know what she wanted. Usually, she was demanding and inflexable, but today, she'd eat anything.

"How 'bout BF Wangs?"

"No."

"Olive Bargain?"

"Ew, no."

"Jalapeño's?"

"No."

Okay. So maybe she wasn't as flexible as she thought she was.

After Beck offering about a hundred other places (and Jade refusing them all,) they ended up going to some Italian place, where Beck asked if she wanted to split some pasta.

"What kind?"

Beck glanced at the menu. "Linguini with…" He stared at his choices intensely, as if his life was on the line. "Clam sauce," he finally decided.

"Gross. No."

"Marinara sauce?"

"Nah."

"Penne with shrimp?"

"Not after last time."

"What?"

"When those idiots didn't cut the tails of my shrimp before throwing them in the stupid pasta. I hate that."

Beck rolled his eyes before suggesting another idea. "_Bucatini alla Sorrentina?"_

"What?"

"It's Italian. _Bucatini alla Sorrentina_."

"What the chiz is that?!"

"A traditional Italian meal."

"Made of _what?_"

"…Tomatoes?"

"What does the menu say it is?"

Beck shrugged. "That's all it says. '_Bucatini alla Sorrentina_ – A traditional Italian meal. Served with tomatoes.'"

"I hate these menus. They're so vague."

Beck frowned. "Do you like _anything_?"

"What?"

"I bring you flowers and you hate them."

"So true."

"I offer about a thousand different restaurants and you don't want to eat at any of them. Then at the one restaurant in the world you'll actually eat at, there's not one food on the menu that you like."

Jade scanned over the meals on the menu. "You're right. I hate everything they serve here. I don't know why I even agreed to coming to this waz-shack of a restaurant." With that, Jade got up and left the table, then continued out the door into the car, leaving Beck wondering why she was so dang stubborn.

But he, of course, had no choice but to leave the restaurant and accompany his girlfriend in the car.

"Where do you want to go now?" Beck asked as he shut the driver's seat door.

Jade shrugged. "We could just go back to your RV and order a pizza."

Beck blinked. "They had pizza in there," he stated pointedly.

"I hate it in there. Their menus are vague, and that one waiter looked kinda shady. They don't deserve our service."

Beck chuckled. "Okay, that waiter _did _look like he was up to something." He turned the car on and started driving to his "house".

When they got inside, Jade ordered a pizza and Beck started flipping through channels on the TV.

Jade hung up the phone and sat down next to Beck, who was now watching an episode of _Full House_.

"You know how much I hate this show," Jade growled.

"And _you _know how much I love this show."

"Change it."

"Never. Love trumps hate."

"That is the most falsest saying I have ever heard in the world."

"Nuh-uh."

"Yuh-huh. Hate gives you a bloodlust. Love just makes you a sap. Therefore hate is _much _stronger."

"Okay, okay. Fine." Beck threw his hands up in surrender and opened the guide.

"Zoey 101?" He offered.

"Never before have I seen a dumber show."

"Celebrities Underwater?"

"Never."

"Drake and Josh?"

"Not in the mood."

"The Amanda Show?"

"No. And nothing on the Spanish language channel."

"All That?"

"Why are they playing so many Dan Schneider shows? No."

"Spongebob?"

"Uhg. No way. Everyone is so _stupid_ in that show; it's painful to watch. And before you even offer it, I do _not _want to watch My Little Pony!"

"Aw, come on, you loved it last time."

"I did not. I'd rather watch _Full House._"

Beck grinned. "Alright." He changed the channel back to where some kids were arguing about something.

Jade honestly couldn't care less about these kids' problems. "I _hate _this show!"

"I know." But Beck convinced her to sit through it by kissing her for a long while before suddenly retreating and saying, "You know, I should really make a list of your dislikes. I'd know what _not _to watch and what _not _to eat and what _not _to get you as a gift."

Jade rolled her eyes. "I'd rather you keep kissing me."

Beck jumped up from the bed. "No really. I want to make a list." He grabbed a notebook and a pen and began scrabbling things down in it.

-_Full House_

_ -Celebrities Underwater_

_ -Zoey 101_

_ -The Spanish Language Channel_

_ -Traditional Italian dishes_

_ -Vague menus_

_ -Flowers _

"Except when I get to cut them up," Jade pointed out,

_(Except when she can cut them up)_

_ -Shrimp tails_

_ -The Olive Bargain_

They continued making a list of stuff Jade hates until the pizza came. By that time, it was already six pages long.

Front _and _back.

"There," Beck said as he took a slice of pizza from the box. "I shall treasure it forever." He tore out the six pages of what Jade hates and hung it on his RV wall.

"That's not even a _fraction_ of what I hate," Jade pointed out as she bit into her first slice of pizza. "There are _lots_ of other things."

"Then this is only the beginning," Beck declared as he finished hanging the papers on the wall. "I shall continue to add onto the list as time goes on!"

Jade rolled her eyes. "Are you serious?"

"As serious as I'll ever be."

"Great."

"What? I thought you'd love it if I knew everything you hated."

"Yeah, I guess. But griping about things I hate is my job."

Beck laughed. "I have usurped your position."

"You _what_?"

"Usurped," Beck announced.

"I hate you."

Beck reached up and wrote his name on the list. Then, "Love you, too, babe."

**Well… That sucked. 'Nuff said…**


End file.
